corrUPtDATE - Ground Dog Day Edition

Happy Ground Dog Day!

In the spirit of Bill Murray's finest movie except for Garfield, we have a deja vu flavored corrUPtDATE for you today.

First up, according to Media Matters, Charlie Gibson's brain has been eaten by zombies and replaced with a Rove approved Talking Points Model®. Charlie said:

"If there was anything new in the speech, it was his call for an end to America's addiction with foreign oil, calling for a reduction on America's dependence on Middle Eastern oil, 75 percent in 20 years."

While it is true Bush called for a reduction of dependence on Republican crack, he also called for America to be "less dependent on foreign sources of energy" (or some variation thereof) in the SOTU's of 2005, 2004, 2003, and 2002. He probably also would have called for reduced foreign oil dependence in the years 1904 B.C. - 2001 had he been President. Sorry Charlie.

As a side note, W's advisers said yesterday not to take the pledge literally. It was just a figure of speech like getting bin Laden 'dead or alive' or firing corrupt members of the White House. Oops - I hope you were sitting down, I'd hate to be responsibile for an injury of some sort.

Well, if you're not writhing on the floor in pain just yet, next up is a story that the MSM is covering with extreme vigor... According to Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald, many emails from Vice President Satan's office from 2003 appear to be "missing" due to an apparent "technical glitch". Fitz discovered this when pressed by Scooter Libby's defense team to produce evidence of corruption in the case against our dear boy Scooter. Fitz had to admit this in a letter to the defense:

"In an abundance of caution, we advise you that we have learned that not all e-mail of the Office of Vice President and the Executive Office of the President for certain time periods in 2003 was preserved through the normal archiving process on the White House computer system."

2003 was the year Plamegate broke, for those of you keeping score at home. hmmm... what corrupt administration does this remind you of? You think Scooter used his one phone call on Cheney: "Uhm hey, Boss - I'm getting some pretty scary looks in here and comments on my 'delicate behind'. You think you could kill off some of those emails, so I can get the hell out of here? Thanks!"

And finally, Bill Deeley, the celebrated handler of our nation's most reliable weather reporter, Punxsutawney Phil, is hanging up his steel mesh glove after 15 years of pulling the poor little bastard out of his hole at an ungodly hour to squint at his shadow. Btw, after the whole Santorum "charging the American people again for the weather predictions they've already paid for" thing, you think little Ricky's got his eye on on Phil now that K Street is verboten?

The early word on the street is that Scott McClellan is up for the job of replacing Mr. Deeley.

Scott McLellan: Good Morning and Happy Groundhog Day. This morning I pulled the groundhog from his hole and placed him above the ground in an effort determine what the likelihood of a continued winter would be for this year. Phil was able to observe whether or not his shadow appeared below him. I then held him up for a few minutes to allow you people to photograph him. He was smiling for the pictures and the gathered media seemed to coo in appreciation. I then returned him to his hole. I will now take questions. David?

David Gregory: Scott, did the groundhog see his shadow?

SM: David, as I said, the groundhog assured me that he was able to determine whether his shadow was visible. Phil was able...

DG: Scott, did he see it or not?

SM: David, I'm trying to answer that. Yes, the groundhog was able to see whether he saw his shadow and Karl and Scooter have assured me that they had no part in placing lights in such a way that a false perception of a shadow would have been made illuminated.

DG: Scott, this is ridiculous. It's a yes or no question.

SM: David, I've already told you we cannot comment further on an ongoing investigation regarding groundhog shadows. I assure you I will look into it and get back to you with a more definitive answer at an appropriate time.

DG: This is ludicrous. You were holding the groundhog, for pete's sake. You should be willing and able to tell us whether he saw his shadow or not.

SM: [grinning] I know. Helen?

Helen Thomas: Scott, does the President have any conscience?

SM: ...Back to David?

DG: Scott, is it true that the President has been photographed with the groundhog? Would that flash have not made a shadow behind the two of them? Could the groundhog have seen that shadow, that false shadow? Could we call it "GroundhogGate"? How about "LightWater"?

SM: David, I know of no such "flash", as you refer to it. And if you're asking whether the President is trying to unduly influence the continuation of winter and thus participate in Exxon's tremendous price gouging, I can assure you that no such thing would ever happen in this administration. Ever.

DG: Scott assuming he did see his shadow, does the President guarantee six more weeks of winter for everybody, or just rich, white people? Are minorities going to get their discretionary weather cut under the new groundhog weather forecast?

SM: Well first off David, you're putting words in my mouth. I never said anything about these "quote" [makes little quote-y motions with his fingers] minorities and as to how we would let trickle down weather occur if the groundhog has indeed seen his shadow, and I'm not saying that he did in fact see his shadow. All I am saying is that the groundhogs in this administration will always...

I admit, that's when I dozed off. When I awoke, I Got You by Sonny & Cher was on the clock-radio and I could play piano and speak French. I wish I had learned some important skills. Like reading scripts so that I hadn't committed to making Garfield II, Revenge of the Lassagna.

corrUPtDATE will return tomorrow. Same corrUPtDATE time, same corrUPtDATE channel.